It's the end of THEIR marriage, but not their parenthood or friendships.

I have a complaint. I guess it's not as much of a complaint as it is an observation. Ok let's call it what it is. I need to bitch about something.

My ex-husband (Corey) made a promise to my niece (our niece) that if she graduated from high school with good grades (B or better) that he would take her anywhere in the world as a gift. My niece wasn't brought up in the healthiest of households (who is nowadays??!!). Corey and I are extremely proud of her and how her brothers turned out. He was her uncle when we were married and treats her as his niece even now that we are divorced. He made good on his promise and took her on a vacation that she will likely never forget.

My brother said he was "surprised" that he was showing my niece such a great time. He didn't particularly like Corey (especially) once we got divorced. Arrrgh. This made me pretty annoyed.

Here is what I have trouble understanding. And believe me, it doesn't lie solely with my brother's comment.

Why is it that because of divorce people tend to believe that the people involved are bad people? Was he (Corey) a not so good husband to me? DEFINITELY. Does that mean I was perfect....DEFINITELY NOT! Does this mean that he can't be a good uncle? Or a good friend? Or even a good husband to someone else????

My dad and mom split up for pretty unsavory reasons (infidelity). Although I resented my dad, I resented the fact MORE that my mom would take jabs at my dad as opposed to my dad who never said anything negative about her. Is it because there was nothing negative to say? Heck no! There was plenty. But dad took the high road. He was wrong in what he did during the marriage, but so was she. He was a crappy husband to her and she was a crappy wife to him.

My dad, was still a great DAD. Period. I was fortunate that even with all of the animosity between my parents, my mom wasn't so selfish that she moved me away to another city and my dad didn't move away to be closer to his now wife. I was always "made" to see my dad, even if I didn't think I wanted to (thank goodness!!!) and am glad that I had that opportunity. It made me realize that my dad is a great dad and a great friend to me. Even if it didn't work out that way for my parents.

We had friends get married in Vegas. They broke their marriage off less than year after they got married. They were together 5 years before that. It didn't work. Paul and I remained friends WITH BOTH OF THEM, even though it was tough at times, because they HATE each other. They split up...why does that mean we have to choose which one to like? Why do you have to choose which friend or family member or parent? Why not choose BOTH?

When my ex's parents split up, she took the two kids (age 2 and an infant) to Florida from Michigan. His dad never knew what was going on with the boys. She fought to keep them away from him. Was he a bad father? NO. But their marriage sucked, so as revenge, she took them as far away as she could. It was only in high school, when I intervened that we found his dad, who thought Corey had run away as a teenager (never happened) and was glad to hear he was ok. Since then, they have become, not just father and son, but good friends. I'm fortunate to be friends with him and Corey's mom still (*gasp* even though they aren't my in-laws anymore, they've actually come to visit me and visa versa!).

My husband has two situations. Two divorces. One where his ex packed up and moved away to another part of the country. And one where the ex stayed near by. The relationship he has with the kids are REMARKABLY different.

The children who live in another part of the country barely know their dad. He has to work hard to get them for half of the time that he's entitled to get them (Mandatory 4 weeks a year according to the divorce decree, but that has never happened). Child support is paid on time (with the exception of the 5 months he was out of work, then it was still paid, just mid month instead of on the first...she was notified and understood).

The second ex has a relationship with PEM still. They don't particularly care for each other, but when you see them together around my step daughter, you'd never know. She doesn't talk bad about him, he doesn't talk bad about her. They communicate constantly about her well being and rarely have we not been able to see her when we wanted. She looks at this as a positive thing. She has FOUR parents who love her. Her step dad and I are in her life and there are no lines drawn in the sand. He and I have say so in the way she's brought up, but Dad and Mom have final word. She isn't made to feel bad when she wants to see us or when she's ready to go back home to her mom. (I *still* get guilt trips from my mom when I see my dad and not her).

My point is people....Divorce is rampant here in the U.S. Most of the people you know are probably divorced. GET OVER IT. People get married too young, for the wrong reason, for stupid reasons. Hell, some people get married for the RIGHT REASON at the RIGHT TIME and STILL end up divorced. Circumstances happen, but jeez, give these people a chance. Just because their marriage didn't work, doesn't mean one or both are bad people.

*sigh*

lulu

Before I get replies that there are people out there who ARE bad parents, I'm not talking about those people. I'm not talking about people who abuse their kids, etc. I'm talking about the couples that are husband and wife that didn't work out for their OWN reasons.